Lemonzest Mountain
by timelordlily
Summary: Jake is in for the shock of a lifetime when he volunteers to be the tent for the Lemongrab's camping trip. Crackfic.


"This… is… _unacceptable_!" The shrill voice that echoed through Princess Bubblegum's palace was instantly recognizable. The candy citizens froze, and their eyes darted toward the entrance, where _they_ stood.

"Lemongrabs!" Finn exclaimed, drawing his sword.

"Not these guys," groaned Jake. "Should we get rid of them for you, Princess?"

"No, Jake," Princess Bubblegum sighed resignedly. "I am responsible for the Lemongrabs. I'll go see what they want." The princess made her way to the door, where the two lanky, lemonheaded men glared impatiently.

"Lemongrabs," the princess addressed the pair in a regal voice, "why have you come here?"

"There is a textile shortage in our land," the first Lemongrab explained.

"We need textiles," the second one demanded.

"A tent," the first one clarified. "We want to go camping."

Bubblegum stared at the two lemon men, baffled. "You came here because you want… camping supplies?"

"Yes!" the Lemongrabs responded shrilly.

The princess sighed. "Fine. I will lend you a candy tent. There has to be one around here somewhere—"  
"No!" the first Lemongrab shrieked. "The candy is so sweet! We cannot stand to be around that much sweet for so long!"

"No candy tents!" the second Lemongrab agreed. "Find us a better tent!"

Bubblegum shook her head. "Okay, hold on one second." She walked back over to Finn and Jake.

"What do they want, PB?" Finn asked.

"They need a tent," Bubblegum told them exasperatedly. "To go camping. You guys wouldn't happen to have a tent, would you?"

"Nope," Finn responded. "Jake is my tent." To demonstrate, Jake skillfully shapeshifted into a large tent.

"Yes!" one of the Lemongrabs shrieked. "That tent is good!"  
"We want that tent!" the other Lemongrab agreed.

"Jake's not going to be your tent!" Finn shouted at the Lemongrabs.

"Wait, Finn," Jake stopped him. "I'll go. I need some time away from the treehouse anyway."

"Oh…" Finn looked hurt. "Alright, buddy."

Jake had been looking for an excuse to get away from Finn for a while. A week before, Finn had found a box of old videotapes. Since then, Finn and BMO had spent every day watching the movies. There were romantic comedies, action movies, thrillers, all starring humans. Jake didn't want to say anything, because Finn looked so happy to be observing other humans, but some of the movies just weren't his thing. The one they watched last night was particularly disturbing. It was about two cowboys who worked together herding sheep and spent intimate nights together. Some parts were a bit graphic for Jake's taste, but if Finn was happy, Jake wasn't going to put a damper on the movie-watching. He would just give Finn some space while he watched the rest of the films. He did not want to risk witnessing another movie like the one from the night before.

Camping with the Lemongrabs was nothing short of bizarre. They spent the afternoon complaining about the outdoors and shrieking at the wildlife. After a zesty lemon dinner, the Lemongrabs decided it was time to go to sleep. They made their way inside the Jake tent, not seeming to remember that their tent was not a tent, but a shape-shifting dog. Jake was just beginning to drift off to sleep, when the night took an alarming turn.

The tranquil silence of the forest was disturbed by peculiar sounds. They were coming from inside the Jake tent. At first, Jake thought the Lemongrabs were just muttering to each other, or sleep-talking, but the truth soon became evident. Jake could hear everything. He could _feel_ everything. What felt like a balled up blanket was tossed into the corner of the tent. But the Lemongrabs said there was a textile shortage. They didn't have any blankets. The only thing they had that would feel like that was… their clothing. Jake shuddered. He felt the cool, rough lemon skin against the floor of the tent.

"Errrgh," came a lemon voice from inside the tent. Jake felt the two lemon bodies, intertwined, rolling across the floor. He was paralyzed with shock. The bodies stopped rolling, and he felt one of the Lemongrabs flip over, burying its lemonface into the soft fur of the Jake tent. He felt the hands and knees of the other Lemongrab, straddling his partner who lay prostrate on the ground. Though Jake could not see what was happening, he knew, from the shrieks and moans, and he had no power to stop it. _This must be what those horses felt like in that movie_, Jake thought. _Standing right outside, knowing full well what was going on, unable to block out the noise, unable to do anything but sit and wait it out._ He shuddered.

"Nyaaargh!" one of the Lemongrabs moaned loudly. Jake could feel the thrusting, could feel the speed increasing, could almost feel the carnal desperation in the movements of these strange lemon men. The movements became more and more frenzied, and the sounds grew louder.

"UUUGGHH!"

And then it was over. Jake was frozen with terror. The clothing was retrieved from the corner of Jake's tent, and after some rustling, Jake felt the clothed Lemongrabs nestle in to the tent's plush floor.

Jake felt the Lemongrabs scoot closer together, wrapping each other in a contented embrace.

"Acceptable?" a Lemongrab asked.

"Acceptable," the other Lemongrab agreed.

* * *

The next day, Jake returned home. Finn was on the couch, watching another movie on BMO.

"Jake, buddy!" Finn exclaimed. "How was the trip?"  
"Uneventful," Jake shrugged. "Hey, let's watch your movie." Finn's eyes lit up. The subject of the camping trip was avoided—for now. Finn and Jake settled on the couch together, turning their attention to BMO.

"Hey, Jake?" Finn asked.

"Yeah?"

"You smell like lemon juice."


End file.
